Selfless
by NatalyaShae
Summary: "You need to heal, Bells; then you can move on" "Not at their expense" I say, burying my head into his chest. He smelt like cedar and oranges for some reason; the shifter didn't smell bad to me, they smelt like their individual smells. Jake sighed. "You're way too selfless" "funny, I think I'm selfish for wanting them so much" …Neither of us noticed Carlisle Cullen watching us


A/N So this may just be a one shot but if anyone reviews and asks, I'll make it a two shot so that's it's actually done…

I couldn't help but stare at Carlisle who sat across form me in the loveseat with Esme. He had this calm knowing sort of look that sent fear into my dead heart. But whatever he knew, Edward didn't, at least not if his frustrated wary look was to go by. It wasn't just fear of him knowing, it was guilt. Jasper gave me a confused glance, something that Edward picked up on. Jasper sent me his feelings of apology because we both knew that Edward wouldn't take my feelings well.

"Bella?" Edward asks quietly. It didn't matter, everyone heard. Carlisle's look changed to concern, and everyone else looked to me. I shook my head and stared elsewhere. But that wouldn't work…I sigh.

"I'm going to go for a quick hunt" I say, climbing out of Edwards embrace before walking calmly to the door.

"I'll come with you" Edward says. I shake my head.

"No…I need to be alone for a moment." I say, glancing to Carlisle, feeling guilt and now shame climb into my chest and suffocate me. Jasper grimaces but somehow manages not to share my feelings to Edward. But his grimace didn't go unnoticed. Does Carlisle know and notice everything? I didn't want to find out. I took off as soon as I step away from Edward; it looked like I was running away…

…

"Jake" I say surprised to see my best friend. Jake looked over at me and grinned.

"Bells!" Jake says running up and hugging me. Jake tried to play the whole 'we're enemies now' card; it didn't work so well. Finally Sam made him come see me to make up because he was depressing the whole pack without seeing his best friend.

"I didn't think you'd be allowed out by yourself?" Jake questions as we go over and sit on the edge of the cliff. It was in neutral territory somehow.

"I have excellent control, so I'm allowed out by the house. Not around in town or anything, just in case." I answer.

"But you're a newborn" Jake says skeptically.

"Who still gets a bit queasy around human blood." I admit thinking of Charlie when he came over. Jake stared at me for a long moment before he burst out laughing.

"Go ahead, laugh it up." I smile as Jake continued to laugh. After Jake sobered up a bit we started talking about trivial things. But like all best friends, they knew something was off.

"You still feel guilty for lying to Carlisle?" Jake guessed. He was the only one I told, and he managed to keep it from the pack somehow. I nod my head.

"Why not tell him now?" Jake asks. I shake my head.

"I thought you only lied for Edwards sake?" Jake says raising an eyebrow.

"I…Carlisle feels terrible about the pain he had to put everyone through when he turned them…I'm the only one he doesn't have to about it. Why would I take that away?" I question.

"How do the others take your 'pain free' transformation?" Jake asks giving me a pointed look.

"I think…they're okay with it" I squeak, blatant lie. Jake rolls his eyes.

"I think they're all jealous and a tad bit angry. Carlisle might be the only one besides Edward who's completely happy that you were 'pain free'." Jake sums it up.

"Alice is okay with it" I point out.

"Alice isn't normal" Jake fires back causing me to grin.

"Bells, lying to them is eating you up. Is their guilt free trip really worth it?" Jake asks. I sigh as I lean against him in a rather dangerous position on the edge of the cliff.

"…You remember when I jumped off this cliff?" I ask rather suddenly. Jake tenses, also knowing I lied about this little adventure.

"Yes" Jake answers stiffly.

"I told them that it was recreational… but we both know that it wasn't. I lied to them as I lie to them now, because I don't want them to feel guilty. I see them as my family, Jake. Carlisle is my dad, ever since I met him. He's not afraid to touch me, he's not awkward about listening to me, and he's not hesitant to guide me. Charlie, he's my father, he tried, but he's not Carlisle. The same with Esme and Rene. You know what my childhood was like. You are the only one who knows it all. I had to pay the bills, get a part time job at night, do the shopping, call the plumper, make sure Rene was taken care of…at least with Charlie the only thing I had to do was cook; the man tried, he did, but his food was take out. Esme and Carlisle both took care of me, not the other way around…" I trail off as I close my eyes.

"Your still getting use to it" Jake points out.

"I don't want to scare them off" I admit. Jake frowns.

"I doubt telling them the truth and about how you actually grew up will scare them away" Jake says.

"I have the worse luck in the world"

"They fought off a newborn army for you" Jake says.

"…You really think I should tell them about the morphine not working?" I ask.

"And about your suicide attempt." Jake says seriously.

"I'm not telling them about that" I yelp.

"You don't need to tell all of them, Bells, just Carlisle and Esme"

"I'm not telling Esme!"

"…Then just Carlisle!" Jake says.

"…I can get away with it being recreational" I say.

"Can't Jasper tell when you're lying?" Jake asks. I nod.

"But when I jumped, it wasn't because I wanted to kill myself" I pointed out. Jake brow furrowed.

"When I dived in…oh, you not fighting to surface was…right" Jake trailed off awkwardly.

"I told you I saw him, him telling me to fight, to try…It was sort of an in your face, kind of moment." I whisper.

"He broke you…when he made them all leave you" Jake says angrily. I took a deep breath.

"If the Cullen family never left, you would have been fine, sort of. I heard your nightmares, Bells, heard you call out for Alice, telling Jasper it wasn't his fault, telling Emmet that he was your big brother bear, begging Carlisle not to leave you behind, pleading with Esme saying you'd be a better daughter figure…and you accepting that you weren't good enough for Edward…I heard you Bells…They need to know what they put you through" Jake whispered painfully, noticing how Bella's free arm wrapped around her stomach, even now.

"And put them through pain?" I ask. Jake held me tighter.

"You need to heal, Bells; then you can move on"

"Not at their expense" I say, burying my head into his chest. He smelt like cedar and oranges for some reason; the shifter didn't smell bad to me, they smelt like their individual smells. Jake sighed.

"You're way too selfless"

"funny, I think I'm selfish for wanting them so much"

…Neither of us noticed Carlisle Cullen watching us from the woods…

…


End file.
